How To Forgive What You Can’t Forget

Hey, beautiful bravehearts! I'm so glad that you are joining me again today. This is Dawn Damon.

Hey, I'm coming to you today with this one principle that if we don't get a hold of. We're not going to move forward. It is going to keep us stuck. It is going to keep us feeling sad and blue and depressed and even angry and bitter. We probably already know if you've been around long enough to know what it is. We are talking about the F word. Yes. Forgiveness.

Holding unforgiveness. It is torment to us. Now, listen, the reason why I want to bring this to you again is because so very often we really don't understand fully the power of forgiveness and what it is and what it isn't. There are two equal errors about this whole idea of forgiveness. One of them is that we should forgive and forget. Well, that's just not right. You're not going to forget something that dramatically impacted your life. But the other one is to forgive and never forget because you can't let your guard down. That's wrong too because we go through life just waiting for the other shoe to drop and who's gonna take advantage of us and who's gonna hurt us? I do believe in guarding our hearts. I do believe in growing in wisdom and discernment, but I like forgiving and finding peace.

Because I know that forgiveness is not a memory relapse. You don't just forget what happened as I said a moment ago, but it is a memory release. I choose to allow something to be released from me and lifted from my conscious memory, though If I want to access it, it's still there. I can still remember, I can still process, I can still heal. I can still go through it again. But you do grow in discernment and wisdom. We begin to live in peace, not turmoil. And when we find that stillness space, we find that forgiveness becomes much more easy for us, not just for one thing that happened. But we live in a state of forgiveness. We forgive fast, fully, and freely because we understand the power of it.

Now, unforgiveness manifests in a lot of ways. I want to tell you that if you're feeling some bursts of anger, and just suddenly you feel this rage coming up on the inside of you or you become petty and critical and fault-finding, or perhaps you have a need to make someone understand your pain. Or maybe you engage in impulsive or compulsive behaviors you don't or you won't reframe. You're not able to reframe your experiences for whatever reason. You're just not able to see it differently. You're stuck in unforgiveness if you're blaming others for your feelings or maybe you're even starting to feel some physical symptoms such as difficulty sleeping, anxiety, some stress, maybe depression, some physical health, high blood pressure, diabetes, do you know, all of these things have scientifically been connected to unforgiveness. Instead, why don't we let God hold that memory for us?

I've given God my big black garbage bags so many times filled with my pain and my anguish, my hatred, my disappointment, my wound, my hurt. And I say, here, God, this is too much for me, but I trust you to bring justice and I trust you to dish out the discipline and bring the punishment. I'm going to let go of it. I'm checking it off. My to-do list knowing that it's on your to-do list. So what is unforgiveness?

We know that unforgiveness is holding a grudge against someone who's offended you or a secondary offense, someone who hurt someone that you love, or did something horrible to the person in your family or relationship or your organization. So it's holding a grudge, unwilling to release, not having the compassion, not to forgive, not having the ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes or to say, I don't want to forgive them. I want to nurse this pain. I want to keep this offense alive. I want this wire to be live so that if anybody touches it, they're gonna get shocked. They're going to get that electrical current of my rage coming right at them. And sometimes unforgiveness is really hoping for the demise of the other person or persons who hurt you, took advantage of you, mistreated you, betrayed you. We want paybacks.

People and I hope not you bravehearted woman, because we're all about getting you to move forward. We're all about having you live your best life and unleash your potential to the world. Not your anger, not your rage, but your creativity, your beauty. But sometimes people hold onto unforgiveness because it gives them a sense of purpose. They put a stake in the ground and say, This is what you did to me and I'm not going to let go of it. They feel something. Otherwise, they might be numb. Otherwise, they might be depressed and just flatline. But with this rage, with this unforgiveness, I can feel and if I let go of this, who will I be? What will I do with myself? And how will I live? Because now this unforgiveness, this rage, this attitude has become their identity. So instead of releasing it and giving themselves an opportunity to launch and soar and become something new and fresh and different, I would rather replay this betrayal movie over and over again and hit rewind and play it again and rehearse the wound and zoom in on the one thing that they did. They have chosen to live a life as a special victim. No one knows what I've gone through. No one feels like I feel. No one's been hurt. No one knows this pain except for me. Besides, unforgiveness keeps me in control. Unforgiveness helps me be protected so I won't be hurt again.

Honestly, maybe it will, but you don't recognize all of the damage that's being done to you on the inside and the outside. The outside, it's kind of like you're sitting on the front porch on forgiveness with your gun, but you've left the whole back of the house exposed and you didn't know that the thief had broken in and ripped you clean of all of your precious goods. Unforgiveness plays no powerful purpose for your good but is very destructive. So ask yourself these five questions. Do I talk to others about the wrong that has been done to me? Do I want someone to feel guilty and to be punished for what they've done? Do I reveal instead of covering someone else's offense? Or do I keep bringing it up and saying, you know, remember when you did that to me? I keep telling you how you hurt me. I stay in my victim place expecting you to continue to apologize and grovel because that's what I want. I want you to grovel. Or do I avoid praying for you that God would bless you or restore you? Or do I smile when you're hurting and when you experience reversals in life?

So, it might be because we don't really know what forgiveness truly is. Let's talk about what forgiveness is not. Then I'm going to help you find a way to forgive the things that you can't forget and nor should you forget. But, you'll see the difference.

So let's remember forgiveness is not excusing a wrong. It's not minimizing what someone did to you. It's not overlooking or taking the blame. It's not saying. ‘It's okay.’ No, it isn't. It's not excusing the wrong, but remember, it is allowing your wound or your hurt to be put in the hands of the judge and to trust, you know what? I'm not saying it's okay. I'm giving it to you. You dole out the punishment. I'm going to be free from this.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. We've already talked about this. Forgiveness doesn't take away your memories. That's a myth. There's no instant healing. That's goofy. That's not what happens to you. You will though, however, be positioned now for healing to flow and for it to come more quickly than perhaps it would have or definitely if you were nursing a wound.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Now it does restore you to God in the right relationship. If for some reason your grudge had interrupted your prayer life and your communion with God, then you would feel this freedom in this connection again with God, if that's broken, but it doesn't reconcile you to the person. And again, nor should it. Not every relationship, not every person is qualified to be in your life. They might be dangerous and toxic. They have to have a POP, a protection order. ‘You can't come near me. Go away.’ I'm not restoring with you, but it could mean reconciliation if it's appropriate and if it's healthy, but you definitely won't have reconciliation where there's unforgiveness. Even if you are living in the same home, if there's unforgiveness, you still have a huge wedge between you.

Forgiveness is not waiting for an apology. You might be waiting a lifetime. I've heard people say, but they haven't asked me to forgive them. That's not what forgiveness is. You might not ever get an apology. Don't wait on them and don't wait on your feelings. All you need is your decision. Just you. Just one. I'm going to forgive. I'm going to release this and you know, I think of Jesus. He, while forgiveness was flowing, his wounds were still bleeding. He said, Father, forgive them for they do not know. what they're doing. They have no clue what they've done. So don't wait for somebody to have an aha moment and say, ‘Wow, I did that to you.’ I need to ask you for forgiveness. That might not ever come. And the good news, your healing and your freedom and your release and your restoration of joy is not predicated on them asking or giving you an apology.

Forgiveness is not one-and-done. It's a process. Here's where I will say it's one act of your will. It's an ongoing process to continue to choose forgiveness and to continue to forgive from the heart. Layers of layers of layers of wounds and hurts might be present. So you continue every time you process your healing. Every time you process a piece of the trauma or you tell the story, you might have to forgive again. You might have a fresh memory or some new information that's come to you where you say, I need to keep forgiveness intact. I'm going to forgive again at a deeper level, perhaps this time.

I want to let you know that forgiveness doesn't perpetuate injustice. You can still press charges, you can still go to court. Forgiveness doesn't mean we wink at domestic violence, or childhood abuse, or any kind of abuse, or rape, or any kind of injustice done against you. If it's appropriate, and you feel led by God, you absolutely can seek the criminal law. and our justice system to do what is right and that is often very necessary. So you don't have to say, well, I can't forgive because I need to follow through. You can do both. It's a both and situation.

Forgiveness doesn't remove the hurt and the pain. Again, that is a process. There is no instant healing, although it can happen that way. But in my experience, we find that people more often walk through their betrayal, their woundedness, or their offense. So don't be surprised when the pain isn't completely gone. But with forgiveness, I will tell you that the pain begins to lessen, it becomes less acute. There are days then when you don't think about it, turning into weeks, turning into months, as the healing process does take place. But forgiveness doesn't mean that you have instant trust or that it restores trust ever. It does provide the opportunity.

Forgiveness is a free gift. Nobody earns that. You give it freely. But trust me, now that's a different story. That is earned. That definitely must be earned. You would be foolish just to give somebody a blank check of your trust, right? So we don't do that.

We know that forgiveness doesn't change the past, but it can change your future. Can't it? So forgiveness is more about you and your freedom and your future and you living your best life. I just want to add this to forgiveness. It doesn't mean that you're being disloyal to another person. Very often we are hurt because of somebody on somebody else's behalf or somebody did something and if I forgive you, I may feel that I'm betraying you as my loved one.

For example, for some of you who are in blended families, if you forgive your ex-spouse, you're not being disloyal to your current spouse. You love them, but you're still willing to let go and release the offense and let the person off the hook who betrayed you, wounded you, and hurt you.

So most of us already know the benefits of forgiveness, but I will just touch on them really quickly because there are so many benefits. Hopefully, you know the benefits, but there might be a few of you who would say, why on earth should I forgive? They don't deserve it. There's no way they deserve it. They haven't asked for my forgiveness. They'll be ice skating in, you know, hell before I forgive that person.

Well, forgiveness is for your benefit. It's not for theirs. They're long gone. They're on with their life. You holding a grudge doesn't serve any purpose except to continue to give them power over you. But the benefit of forgiveness is that when you do, you're released. Freedom comes to you and you don't have to hold on to the grudge anymore. You can take back your power. It's a beautiful thing. You have a return of joy, energy, physical, mental, and spiritual recovery. Feels like you're finally coming up from underneath the water and you can take in a deep breath. The elephant is off your chest. You have better sleep. Less anxiety, improved focus, more energy, reduced stress, improved relationships, better physical outcomes, like stronger immune system. Did you know that? It improves heart health and improved self-esteem. These are all of the benefits of giving forgiveness.

Well, someone might still say, I don't know. I just don't think I can do it. I don't know that many of us can do it. It's really not a human thing. It's through the power of the Holy Spirit that we grant forgiveness. Again, an act of our will, but all things are possible through Christ and forgiveness is really divine. So you can act on it.

Forgiveness is a choice. You can make it. So let me give you a few steps in practicing this forgiveness. Even when you don't forget. Let's not worry about whether we remember or whether we don't remember. Remember forgiveness is a choice. A conscious decision to have a memory release. I'm choosing to cast it away. I'm choosing to let it go. I'm choosing to cast it down when the pain starts to come up again.

Now, let me give you these in order. Forgiveness is a choice. Forgiveness is for you. So we identify the hurt and name it. What happened? Who did it? Then name. How have you been hurt? What did you lose? What was stolen from you? Honor the pain that you went through and acknowledge your hurtful emotions. Then also acknowledge your hurtful or ungodly reactions to what happened. So this is our part. What you did to me was wrong and it's not justified and it wasn't my fault, but I did have a very ungodly response to that.

So I'm asking for forgiveness from God, but I'm also forgiving yourself. I'm forgiving myself. Remember to forgive yourself and to let it go. So, again, identify your hurt and name it. Who, what, when, where, how, and name it. Honor yourself. Acknowledge how you hurt. Acknowledge those emotions.

Don't stuff them down and say, it was just okay. You're stuffing them down, but they're like a ball underwater gaining velocity and eventually they're gonna pop up, maybe at the wrong person, at the wrong time, in the wrong way. So acknowledge how you've been hurt and then maybe acknowledge how you hurt back because of what happened. and forgive yourself and begin to let go.

Now the next step, breathe in compassion. Thank you, Lord, for the compassion you've given me. Thank you for your mercy. Thank you for your love. Thank you for your grace. Breathe it in. and let go and exhale the poison. I'm choosing to release it. I'm letting it go and very often with that exhale will come some tears and some release because your body's been holding it, your cells have been holding it, your muscles have been holding the trauma and the unforgiveness and then just make a decision. I am going to forgive unconditionally without strings attached. You don't have to pay me back. You don't have to make restitution. If it's necessary or if it's in order, I hope that you will. But I'm letting go before I even ever see any restitution. I'm letting go. Before you ever replace or repair what you've done wrong, I'm letting go.

I just want to be grateful. Let's add in some gratitude right now. God, thank you for your love for me when I didn't deserve it. God, thank you for my clean slate right now. God, thank you for the return of my physical health, my joy, and my energy. Now, I consider this done and I will address it in therapeutic ways with my journal, with God, and with my therapist, but otherwise, I refuse to rehearse it, to nurse the wound, and accept it as an identity. It is not who I am. It is what I've experienced. But today I declare I am free from this, I'm not defined by it, and I have begun to accept a fresh vision for my future. Alright, so how do we forget? We don't. How do we forgive? With our choice. It's possible, it's doable, and I pray that you will experience that.

Alright, that's what I have for you, everybody. Now my gift for you this week, the free download is the Brave Affirmations for an Abundant Life so that you can begin to learn how to talk powerfully and how to release words out of your mouth that let the enemy know and let your brain know, I'm winning, I'm conquering, I'm soaring, I'm an overcomer, I'm powerful, I'm strategic, I'm filled with vision, and I can't wait to live my best life.

And one more thing before I let you go. If you are interested in the Living Brave course, it is now available. I don't have the next start date. We currently have one processing and in progress right now, but I'd love for you to be a part of that in the future. So would you just drop me a line at dawn@dawnscottdamon.com and simply write Brave Living Coaching Course?

I'm going to leave you like I always do. This is Dawn Damon, your Braveheart mentor, encouraging you, it's your time for you to find your brave and live your dreams!