Ask Dawn Anything. Sensitive questions from midlife women

All right, beautiful, brave hearts. Welcome to this episode of The Bravehearted Woman Podcast! So glad that you are joining us.

If you are new to this, I want to welcome you and say, Hey, don't forget to stop by Amazon to get your copy of my latest book, The Making of a Bravehearted Woman: Courage, Confidence, and Vision in Midlife. We talk about all things, vision, dreams, goals, beliefs, limiting mindsets and the right mindset to have as a midlife woman.

But in this episode, we are answering a question that came up in our recent poll that midlife women are asking. I'm just going to start right out with a hot topic because of the question that we had. Today, how can midlife women handle the physical changes that begin to happen in their bodies? So I'm going to answer that today.

But first of all, I want to offer a balance between knowing that these things are common. Some of these specific situations that we're going to address, these symptoms can be very common and there's joy in knowing you are not alone. But on the other side, I want you to know that this is not necessarily absolute. You don't have to accept it. These are acquiesced to them, nor is it something that might automatically happen to you. And that's important because as we age, we definitely don't want to fear what is ahead. We don't want to be anxious over these changes, and we don't want to be afraid that we're going to be overtaken. They're not necessarily permanent, even if you do experience it, which I can tell you now being on the other side of the change of life that, it is not fatal. It is not final. And in fact, it's a beautiful, amazing season of life. I'm excited to be navigating it.

So the first question came in, and I wasn't totally surprised by this. We'll see how much we can tackle, but how do we handle the physical changes that are happening in our lives? Specifically, how can we handle a lower sex drive? What about urinary incontinence and menopause? Okay, how's that for the trifecta whammy?

Well, let's just break it down again just a little bit. The changes are natural and it is challenging. It can be difficult to accept in manage these low sex drive, urinary incontinence, and the symptoms and issues that menopause can bring. I'm going to answer one of these things at a time today, but again, these are natural so normalizing what's going on in your body can be one of the first ways that you'll glide through them easier. When we try to, you know, to fight it or we become afraid of it and we don't discuss it and we keep it inside then we start to feel like we're isolated and alone and struggling by ourselves and that's just not necessary. Because today when we openly talk about these issues. We can remove the stigma of these issues. It's beneficial to focus on what you can do, like maintaining good physical health habits and exploring medical therapeutic options, seeking support, understanding what's going on inside of you, and being in a support group of other women.

Let's just say it, the lower sex drive, the lower libido. Now, some women, when they approach menopause, as we get to midlife, we're in perimenopause and we're in the process of menopause, and then when it's over, we're postmenopausal. But more than one-third of women in that perimenopausal state or in current menopause, do report having. Less sexual desire. In fact, even reported having sexual difficulties. So, It can range from a lack of interest in sex to trouble having pleasure in sex, trouble feeling relaxed and having enjoyment because sensitivity is dulled, but also painful sex or discomfort in sex is on the rise for midlife women and the main culprit of that is definitely because of the levels of estrogen. So we know that when estrogen begins to lower and drop, it can reduce a person's or woman's desire for sex, and it also makes sexual arousal more difficult. It can cause dryness in the vagina and discomfort. That's just what can happen. It's not an absolute, but most women do experience that. That's part of the change of life.

There are other factors that can make sexual activity less appealing. So as aging progresses, sometimes we don't feel as comfortable in our bodies. We have lost confidence. We again feel embarrassed about our aging, and so we have more of a desire to cover up. Or maybe there's a chronic illness. You have other things going on in your body that make it difficult. Maybe there's arthritis. Maybe there are painful joints. Maybe there is an injury. Maybe there's a bad back. Lots of things can happen to deplete your energy and cause physical pain. So what I'm saying is sexuality and our sexual enjoyment as midlife women doesn't exactly happen in real life like it happens in the movies, but it can still happen and it can still be beautiful. I just want to let you know that this is part of aging. More specifically, it's part of going into menopause, perimenopause.

So if you want to continue a fulfilling sex life, and I really hope that you do, if you are married and you have a partner that you're in a committed relationship, a covenant relationship as a marriage, You want to keep that alive as long as possible. It is a matter of finding something new, the new normal, what works, but it is also important for midlife women. Hear me, that you take the initiative to do something about the waning sexuality that you have because chances are, this is still a very, very important aspect of your relationship from your husband's point of view and from my point of view. I've only been married 13 - 14 years, but it's still very important for me to bond and close and enjoy the intimacy that my husband and I have. Then watch his response in our marriage to how he feels and about his love towards me.

Now, I'm not saying that we're not lovable or that we're not deserving of love if we're not. having sexual relationships. But I am saying, you know, God created this and he gave it to us to have something that only you and your partner can experience. The rest of the world is not involved in this. It's a very special time. So I hope that you're still interested in fulfilling your sex life and having a very beautiful sex life. Don't be held back by menopause.

Here are a few things that you can do. First of all, ask about hormones. I am not a doctor, so I can't recommend hormonal replacement therapy, but I can tell you that some hormones can ease menopausal symptoms and there are vitamins. There are supplements that can help you get through these and increase your ability to enjoy lovemaking again and having sexual relationships.

Now, always talk to your doctor because there are some health situations that you need to be aware of before you start any HRT - hormone replacement therapy. I did do a little estrogen and did an estrogen patch and I will tell you that that helped me tremendously as I was going through menopause. Then don't forget to review your meds. Sometimes the older we get we actually begin to take other medications to ease the suffering that we have in our bodies.

Again, if there's some high blood pressure or if there's arthritis or perhaps there is some anxiety that's going on or maybe it's you know, cholesterol that you're trying to control, but all of a sudden we have maybe more of a cocktail of medications than we've had before, and medications will affect your libido. So, ask your doctor if you've identified that one of these meds might be definitely antidepressants, and many women are prescribed. antidepressants through the menopausal years and those definitely will put a damper on your libido. But there are different meds today that don't do that and don't suppress your sexual drive as much. So talk to your doctor about it. Say, Hey, I want to enjoy my sexual life and right now I just have zero desire. It's okay. Your doctor, she, he will understand what you're talking about. You can ask for a change in your medication.

Also, just check, where are you in your head? Check your mental head space for this. If you're living with excessive stress, anxiety, or depression. Sometimes these amplify with age. If something's going on in your head space just isn't clear. This can definitely dampen your sexual desire. I know for me, for a mom, there are times when I have 5 children, I have 13 grandchildren, I have two great-grandchildren, and if I'm concerned about them or worried about them, my head might not be in the space where all of a sudden, you know, uh, I'm feeling like I'm ready to just, you know, to go for it, drop everything and jump in into the arms of my hunk a burning love, you know, there's times where it's like, I'm just not there. So what I have to do is just say, Oh, hang on a minute. Let me get myself out of this space and let me think about you right now. And so just check your mental condition so that you're not. Entering the lovemaking with your head all involved in the phone call you were just on the text you just received or the fact that maybe your kids have been ghosting you. I don't know what it is for you, but definitely keep yourself in a place of being a lover and having a lover that it doesn't matter how old we are. We still are sexual people and sex is not just about the act, it's about an attitude. Sexy is confidence and your husband is attracted to that. So I want to encourage you that way.

One of the ways you can do that is just to really stay feeling good about your body. If you stay fit and healthy, confidence will come more rapidly for you. If you start feeling like, you know, we know how it is if we feel overweight, we feel unattractive, we feel embarrassed, or we want to cover up. Listen, hopefully by now, after 40 to 50, we're comfortable in our skin. We're in a relationship where we are celebrated by our spouse, he thinks that we are beautiful, and you can explore together what's enjoyable for you and your partner now at this age. Be true to yourself. So, be true to yourself. Yes.

To answer your question, your sexual libido does change in midlife. Now on the other side of it, sexual libido can be different. Your drive can be even greater than you had it before. I'm going to be honest with you. It was kind of my experience because I'm in a new marriage. So, one of the most wonderful things that can happen to you is many women in midlife have discovered a new relationship. Because they're a widow or they're divorced and now they're in a new relationship and you'll be surprised and maybe a little bit taken aback by how much drive you actually do have and how falling in love just releases the dopamine and serotonin go up and you can definitely desire your spouse more than ever before. That’s because you also have hormones working for you and it's new and it's exciting and it's exhilarating. Also, you can enjoy sex more in midlife or beyond because you are in menopause because you are postmenopausal because you don't have to worry about your cycle you don't have to worry about those hormones raging and going up and crashing down in depression and having PMS. And we used to call PMS as a pretty mean sister. But those symptoms, so you can enjoy it.

So what am I saying? Yes, it changes, but there are some things that we can do to control it. Talk to your doctor about hormones. Seek supplements that can increase your sexual drive. Think about those hormones like testosterone. You might be low on that, and a hit of that every now and then through hormonal replacement therapy can really boost your drive. And also being willing to talk to your spouse and say, this is where I'm at.

I want to be honest. We have to try some new things and explore some new things. What I wouldn't recommend is giving it up altogether. You can do some things to replace and take care of the dryness that you might be experiencing and keep your mental health, and your head in love with your spouse. If you're struggling in that relationship and you're feeling like I'm just not interested, then I would say seek out some counseling. Because why are you going to live in a relationship where you're miserable? Work on it. Do some things. And I'll leave that at that.

All right. The second part of that question was urinary incontinence. Oh, man. So incontinence, you know, or that overactive bladder or that urge to urinate. So there are two types of urinary incontinence. The first one is called stress incontinence and that's what happens when pressure is exerted on your bladder. Like during activities when you sneeze, I wouldn't think of sneezing as an activity, but it is, or laughing, or exercising, or you know, doing something where you're exerting a little bit of force. And that's because the muscles in our pelvic floor are probably waning and getting a little bit weak.

So if you've had a child, then you know what it means to do those pelvic exercises and perhaps you've done them anyway, you probably should have. But just exercise that pelvic floor by doing your Kegels. So start urinating, then stop or, or pull that muscle up and allow yourself to do a little bit of physical therapy there with the pelvic floor.

But then there's also a different kind, it's called urge incontinence, and that is the overactive bladder that can come with aging. That involves when you have a sudden intense urge that you have to go to the bathroom or urinate and then maybe you get there and there's just nothing there. But that's the kind of thing that can lead to leaks and maybe you feel it and maybe you don't or maybe you feel like you're getting a UTI but it's not there. You just actually just have an overactive bladder. So this type of incontinence is associated with an overactive bladder. The overactive muscle in the bladder or yes, a urinary tract infection and menopause. So there you want to learn to relax and make sure that you allow yourself to completely empty your bladder and then go a certain amount of time training your bladder once again to hold that urine. I'm not a doctor, but I can tell you that I've experienced some of these things, and what I do know is that stress makes everything worse. So what you wanna understand is that these things do happen.

So some tips for managing urinary incontinence. First of all, limit your diuretic liquids, the things that make you go. I hate to say it, but beverages like coffee and alcohol will increase urine production. Then remember to stay hydrated. I know that that sounds counterintuitive, but it's important for your overall good health to stay hydrated. You need hydration to prevent the UTIs so that you're flushing things out. Then we already mentioned the third thing, exercise that pelvic floor. Doing those pelvic floor exercises can strengthen those muscles and support your bladder control. So do those.

And then number four, it's really important to maintain a healthy weight because excess weight, some of that, that excess tummy weight or that fat that builds up around there can really contribute to the stress on your bladder and on your pelvic floor.

So maintaining a healthy weight can alleviate the incontinence symptoms. Remember, physical therapy can also help. Physical therapy plays a vital role in empowering women to better manage and overcome urinary incontinence. It's important. Don't acquiesce to these things. As I said at the top of this episode, don't just say, oh, that's how it is right now. There are some guidance you can gain, some lifestyle changes, and some strategies for better bladder control. You get tailored exercises when you embark on physical therapy. You can improve those, the function. We've already talked about the pelvic floor and biofeedback techniques to enhance women's awareness and control of the pelvic floor. So lots of things are going on.

And then finally, menopause. Whew, I don't know if we have time. This is a whole episode in and of itself. In fact, it's not even just an episode. There are many fabulous podcasts for women of midlife that talk specifically about menopause. I'm just going to say this, in menopause, the physical changes that are happening to you, I mean, it is a real thing, you all, first of all, let me just validate what you might be feeling or what you might be going through is definitely a real thing. You feel it. Things change. I felt like my metabolism changed. What worked for me before it didn't work for me anymore. What I needed before I didn't need any more hormones changed. My eye prescription changed.

So the same hormones that control your menstrual cycle also influence serotonin. The brain chemical, we talked about, promotes the feeling of well-being and happiness, and when your hormones drop, sometimes your level of serotonin also drops, which contributes to increased irritability, anxiety, and sadness. Then the falling levels of estrogen and progesterone can trigger these mood swings. Menopause is a real thing. It can make you feel, less able to cope with things, more agitation, less patience, stuff that would normally roll off your back, all of a sudden you're feeling it more. And these hormonal dips can set off a depressive episode. So be very aware of that, especially if you've ever gone through any kind of depression before. You may be prone to a little bit more of this.

Now I'm going to tell you that I personally had episodes of depression when I was younger in my thirties and I did not experience more depression in menopause. That did not happen for me. So because I believe in the mindset, the reframe, and the work that I've done to control my attitude and God's grace and trust his goodness in my life. I'm not saying it always works for every situation, but just for me, I didn't experience those dips in depression. So don't think that you're automatically going to.

Depression and other mental health issues can be a part of menopause. Anxiety, a combination of symptoms like hot flashes all of a sudden, those same sleep disturbances that we have already talked about, vaginal dryness, oh my goodness, all the things that can happen, brain fog, fogginess, fatigue, forgetfulness, anger, irritability, low mood. Okay. So I'm telling you all of the things that make you probably pretty doggone scared about hitting menopause, unless you're listening to those podcasts and you've already been there, done that.

But what I want to tell you is this, it's not fatal and it's not final. There are an amazing amount of support groups that you can involve yourself in, engage in, blogs that you can read, and at the very least, your one-on-one personal coach or counselor who can help you understand that the most beautiful season of your life is still ahead of you even when you hit menopause.

Yes. Hair loss. Yes. Shifting hormones. Yes. Low libido. Potentially. Yes. Different seasons of life. Emptiness. Caring for parents, and all the things. But the most amazing amount of wisdom is yours. Now, experience. is yours now. Confidence, knowing who you are, comfortable in your own skin. You don't do things that don't align with your core values. It's the most incredibly authentic, beautiful season of your life. It's empowering. And not just because you're living authentic to yourself, but because you know now how to reach out and authentically offer yourself help, wisdom, guidance, training, and teaching for others that are coming up.

That's what I wanted to do today on the AMA, Ask Me Anything. I hope this has been helpful to you. I believe it, midlife Woman. I want to tell you this. I am coaching on a regular basis and I'm just opening up now again. It's been closed for a while, but we're opening it up for new participants in our weekly coaching call. If you're interested in that, make sure that you reach me at dawn@braveheartedwoman.com and once again, my free gift to you. You want to grab a chapter of my book, a free chapter of my book. I can't wait to give it to you, The Making of a Bravehearted Woman. Visit me at braveheartedwoman.com/resources.

I'm going to leave you like I always do. Bravehearted midlife postmenopausal woman. Wherever you are, it's still your season, find your brave and live your dreams!