How to Love in Midlife: The 5 Love Languages Explained

Hi, all you beautiful, bravehearted women. How fun is it that we get to do this on a regular basis? I get to communicate with you. I would love it if you would communicate with me today, we're gonna talk about love, L-O-V-E-. Love. They say love is a verb. It is. Action. And we are gonna look at the five love languages.

But before we get into that, do me a favor, will you just hit the subscribe button so that you don't ever miss an episode, but also it communicates to the algorithms or the powers that be that you appreciate communication by women. For women and especially faith-based communication. So Bravehearts, you ready?

5 Love Languages. Do you know there really is a way to love someone according to their need that communicates in a unique way for them? I am loving you in a way that fills your love tank. You feel it deeply. It's significant to you. I'm communicating affection and care because I have learned your primary love language.

Do you know that you have a primary love language? I know what mine is. My husband has a primary love language. My three children, they each have a different love language. My mom, my sisters. and all the people in your world, whatever the relationship is that you have with them, they have a primary love language, and you can learn how to speak their language. You can communicate in a way that's significant to them, and it deepens your connection in really wonderful, tremendous ways.

So, Gary Chapman is the guy who developed this, and he identified 5 primary love languages. This is in distinct ways that people give love and also the way that they receive love. We're gonna look at those today.

First of all, words of affirmation. Let me give you all five of 'em and then I'll back up, and I'll share a little bit about each one. So the five are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. So understanding all these languages, what they look like, what to avoid will really help you communicate love in a way that your partner, your child, your friend, whoever truly feels it, and they appreciate you all the more for your willingness to learn about them, know them, and then meet that need in them.

So words of affirmation. This is probably self-explanatory, but it is expressing affection through spoken words, through praise, through compliments, and it shows appreciation of the other person. So this is a language that some people, when they hear these words of affirmation, it's like you're pouring beautiful water onto a dry, parched plant, and it's just sucking it all up. You can tell when someone's love language is words of affirmation. It's like, tell me more. So when you have someone in your life, and you know that this is their love language, be specific, but be sincere.

Okay. General praise that can feel kind of hollow and almost like you're patronizing them. So instead of just, you know, yeah, good job. Or, you know, I love you. Be specific. I'm so proud of you for the way you handled yourself in that meeting today. You're really brilliant when it comes to this or that, and do this frequently. Don't hold back. Use supportive phrases and confirmations, and affirmations to them on a regular basis. Maybe just as easy as saying, You've got this, or I believe in you. When they're going through a tough time, build their confidence. I'm not saying you have to lavish the person all of the time. But if you know that this is their love language, you don't wanna withhold words of affirmation. You can give daily appreciation in small bits. Just thank you for making dinner, or I love the way you look today. That color is amazing on you. That will fill their love tank. It doesn't take a lot. You can even do a written note, leaving a sticky note somewhere on the mirror, sending a midday thinking of you text.

The words of affirmation are not just you expressing that you love them, it's you expressing your confidence in them, your belief in them, or your appreciation for them for what they're doing and how you're proud of them. This is very impactful for them. Something to avoid non-constructive criticism. This hits hard for a person whose love language is words of affirmation. Criticism can be really wounding to them, like harsh words, insults, demeaning comments. They take it very deeply, very personally. It can be very devastating and leave a lasting impression will actually make them pull away from you, make you feel, and make you seem unsafe to them. They might not even open up with confidential information or use you as a sounding block, and again, silence. Is even worse sometimes forgetting to express appreciation at all or neglecting to say, I love you or I'm proud of you, can really hurt individuals and they will feel ignored and unloved in ways that maybe someone else wouldn't because it's not their love language.

Alright, number two, acts of service. Doing helpful and thoughtful things for someone, like maybe chores, making a special meal, or running some errands. This is a way you can communicate your love to someone when their love language is acts of service for them. Actions speak louder than words. You could tell them I love you, but they don't feel it, not like they would if you do something for them.

So for these individuals, love is felt. When someone takes the initiative to do something special, something that lightens their load, it helps them out. When you see that they're overwhelmed or you wanna make their day easier for them, they really feel the love and appreciation. Now acts of service are not about being a maid. It's not about servitude. It's not about earning your way, but it is just noticing your partner or your child or whoever, that they respond well, that they feel your love and support, understand that you are going out of your way, which fills their love tank when they don't have to.

Ask you for help. That's the key: you're helping them, without them begging that you notice it, you see it, and you love them enough to do something for them. So whether it's daily tasks around the house, whether that is a morning ritual that you wake up early to make coffee. Or you make breakfast just how they like it, or perhaps you run an errand for them. You say, you know, I can take that off your plate for you today. Maybe supportive gestures, bringing them a snack during the day, or sometimes bringing that special lunch to your child at school, or picking up the kids for your spouse. These are all ways of planning, taking the initiative, or even full responsibility, say, I'm gonna organize the vacation. I'll handle the date night or the surprise birthday party. I'll take the kids to the basketball game. Sometimes these acts of service. They can be difficult for you to go out of your way to do it, especially if you both have the same love language of acts of service. Then you have to take turns doing things for each other.

But one thing to avoid if your partner or whoever you're trying to love. If their love language is acts of service, be really careful not to break your promises. If you say you're gonna do something, follow through. If they don't know it's coming, then they don't know it's coming. But you don't want to break your promise, and if you don't do anything for 'em, they may tend to think that you're lazy and that laziness can feel really deep for them. They can really feel hurt by that because again, when it's your love language, you feel things more profoundly than someone else would. So following through is a major way to show that you care.

Number three, receiving gifts. Okay. I admit it. This is my love language. I didn't know this was my love language for so long. First of all, because, I never got gifts in my first life. I never got even Mother's day gifts, barely a birthday card. It just wasn't important to my spouse, and so I didn't get those things, so I just learned never to expect 'em. But how I noticed that it was my love language was when I learned about Amazon, and I found myself ordering things subconsciously. I didn't realize it.

When I'd come home, and I'd see a package in the driveway, I got so excited. I'm like, it's a gift. It's a gift. It's something for me. I'm like, yeah, you ordered it for yourself. But I would forget, and I would be so excited that something was there for me. But when I got married to my amazing husband, he would bring me flowers, he would bring me gifts. And it's amazing. It's an amazing demonstration of his love for me. I know he had to go out of his way or think about me to do that, but it isn't just. I just love everything, I love wrapping paper. I love bows. I love the way stuff is packaged. I could just stare at the box. It just communicates love for me. It is a visual symbol of love, and that's what receiving gifts is. It's really not about what's in the box. It's. He was thinking about me, she was thinking about me. She remembered that I like this. They went out of their way to find this. We have one son who's very much a gift giver, and he is. He doesn't wanna just get you whatever he wants to get something that's very significant for you, and it's the way he communicates love to us.

So I believe that one of his love languages was probably gift giving to or gift receiving. The price tag does not matter as much as the sentimental value. That's the point. It's the effort involved. So, examples of this receiving gifts in action. Pick up, just because item, sometimes I'll get flowers and I go, what is, what's today? He goes, it's just because picking up a favorite candy bar when you're at the grocery store, or a specific magazine that you know someone loves because you saw it and you thought of them, or handmade tokens. This can be very meaningful. A curated playlist of music that they love. A handwritten letter, a framed photo of a special memory that you shared with that person, can communicate love and souvenirs, or even a rescue gift bringing somebody. A cup of warm coffee because you know they've had a long, stressful day. Milestone marking, remembering anniversaries, birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, or this is the day that we met. Gift, feeling love through a thoughtful, tangible present. Big or small is a primary love language. I feel love when you give me a gift and I love giving gifts.

Alright, quality time. Giving someone focused attention, undivided attention. It's about presence, not the presence that we just talked about. It's about your presence, not gifts, not doing things for me, not giving me kind words. Quality time is just being with me, the core meaning here is undivided attention, not sitting next to me scrolling on your phone, not reading a magazine, not something that would take your attention away. It's sitting with your partner, your child, whoever. We have a grandson whose primary love language is quality time. It's sitting next to me or sometimes looking right in my eyes, talking to me. It's an uninterrupted, uncontested time, no distractions, where we're sharing a meaningful conversation.

We're talking, or we're watching a movie together. So, let's talk about the two dialects of this love language, Dr. Chapman identifies two main ways that you can practice quality time, and I just hinted about one. One is quality conversation, and it doesn't have to take long. It's quality, not quantity. It involves sympathetic deep dialogue where you share experiences. You're really communicating on a deep level. This happens for my husband and me when we sit in a hot tub. When it's just the two of us, it's active listening. We're communicating, we're nodding, we're gesturing, we're maintaining eye contact. We're asking follow up questions, and maybe it's only 10 minutes, but we're listening and we're listening to understand, not to say the next thing. We're not trying to fix anything. We're just giving each other space. We're holding space for one another to pour out our hearts, and so that's a quality conversation. That's one way.

But another way is quality activities. And this is very often someone's love language. I want you to ride a bike with me. I want you to go golfing with me. I want you to sit here and watch this movie with me. I want you to be in the kitchen, and let's make dinner together. And it is secondary to the connection. It doesn't matter what we're doing necessarily. It just means we're together. And again, remember, it's quality over quantity. Even just a focused 15 minutes sometimes fills this love tank. An evening huddle. Let's just connect. Let's just spend a few minutes. Let's just catch up on the day. Let's just sit here and sip on this tea and talk with one another.

So, just some examples of quality time, daily rituals together. Again, our morning coffee or your evening tea, perhaps with no phones, no newspaper, no interruptions, not watching the news and the weather. And again, those for the activities, the shared hobbies, doing something together, maybe you take a cooking class together, that would just not fill my love tank at all. That would just be like a fight in the making. I think playing games, maybe a do-it-yourself project, like I said, just something that you're doing together in an intentional date, going out to dinner, active engagement, simply sitting together talking about future goals, your vision, or life's challenge, just being together.

And then finally, the fifth love language is called physical touch, meaningful touch. And again, those two dialogues, dialects, it can be an intimate touch, but more often it's just physical loving, nurturing, touch, or appropriate touch, such as hugs or holding hands, cuddling if it's your partner or even if it's your child, and they just wanna snuggle with mom for a while, your grandchild.

I have a grandson whose love language is clearly physical touch, and he'll nuzzle up next to you so you can scratch his back or rub his head. He’s always give hugs, and I can identify that love is communicated to him with a pat, a squeeze, a hug, a pinch. Sometimes he doesn't even mind wrestling. He just likes the physical contact, and it's spontaneous touches throughout the day.

For your spouse, I believe this is my husband's as well. He nudges up to, he grabs my hand, he pats my foot, he squeezes my arm, or he kisses my cheek. It's just a way that he feels connected to me and shows his love. But more importantly, if I do it to him because he receives love that way. So if I scratch his back or squeeze his shoulders or hug him, come up from behind and just nuzzle him a little bit, the casual everyday touch. Loves a hand on the shoulder, brushing his hair out of his face, maybe a gentle squeeze. You get the idea. So these things communicate love to a person whose primary love language, the way their tank gets filled, is through those physical touches.

I remember when we were doing some studying about marriage counseling, and we learned from the John Gottman Institute that he calls them bids for attention and he could predict couples that would end in divorce when one of the spouses would make a bid for attention, whether that was a joke or a touching of the hand or reaching out or a squeeze, and it was not reciprocated. The spouse didn't pick up on it or said, what are you doing? Or whatever. No warm greeting. No warm farewell. He could say that couple is headed for trouble. I think that a warm greeting and a farewell are always appropriate when you see your spouse specifically or your child, but this significant person in your life, whatever you're doing, you warmly greet them, a hug, a kiss of appropriate length, and a goodbye. Always the goodbye, the I love you, the kiss, the squeeze, and again, cuddling, snuggling, soothing, touching a back, rubbing, a foot massage after a stressful day especially says, I love you. I care about you. I just want you to feel close to me right now. I'll just sit close to you. I'll just sit on you. Spontaneous affection in. That is one way that your spouse could say, wow, why does this matter? Well, physical touch, especially, you guys know that it releases that hormone called oxytocin. It's the love hormone, and it reduces stress. It lowers blood pressure, fosters a sense of security and belonging. It's the same hormone that's excreted when a mother nurses her baby.

So it's not necessarily sexual at all. It's a nurturing, loving hormone that is released, and it just bonds you. They call it the bonding hormone, and I definitely see that at work when a person's love language is also physical touch, they, they're, it's their way of bonding. It releases that hormone for them, and they'll feel extra close to you.

So you might be saying today, well, Dawn, how do I identify my love language? Well, I would say go online and find that quiz. You can take the quiz, but you can also just be a student. Begin to watch, just say, to identify my love language. What makes me light up, reflect on what naturally gives you a rush? What makes you feel that warm fuzzier? What makes you feel appreciated or brings tears to your eyes? It's probably your love language. Is it words of affirmation? Do you look at the card for not what was printed, but what was written, you probably affirmation, words of affirmation that when you come home, do you look around? See if some chores were done, or when you walk in, and you see the kids did the dishes. Do you feel like you wanna cry? Probably your love language. Or are you like me? When you see a package, do you get all delighted and like, oh, and, and everything in you that dopamine buzz? Well, it might be your love language, or do you just feel this sense of love, and you just cherish the moments where you can just sit next to someone, hold their hand, sit in a movie. You don't even have to exchange words, but you're holding your lover's hand.

Maybe that is your love language is quality time or quality conversation. Like we, he listened to me, our eyes were connected, nobody interrupted. It was so good. And, I can think of so many people that I know quality conversation is their love language. And what do you get from others if you're trying to figure out what their love language is? What do they ask you for? What do they mention? What do you see in them? What do you ask for? From someone? Pay attention to your feelings, not only in the past, but in the present, and maybe even visualize yourself and say, what lights me up?

But again, you can go online, and you can search for Gary Chapman and the love language quiz. I used to give those quizzes out, so I know that they are available.

All right. So February is the month of love, but you don't have to wait till February to show someone you love them. You can love them all day long once you figure out how they really feel loved, and I hope that you'll do it. You know, on another thought, sometimes we find it difficult to love others when we, in fact, haven't learned to love ourselves.

Now, I'm not being cliche here, but I'm really offering an honest reflection. Are you loving yourself? Are you caring for yourself? Well, I wanna tell you that I have a course that's available. It is the Live Brave Transformation Course. We'll talk about identity and self-worth. We talk about how to love yourself. We talk about how to give yourself quality time, and allow yourself to dream and have a vision to set boundaries and live according to your core values. These things, when you put 'em in place in your life, are the stepping stones to success. You'll live a life you love because you design it on purpose. You don't accidentally show up. Maybe you'll like your life, maybe you don't. Why leave it to chance? I invite you to check out my course. It's priced exactly right to give you the benefit that you need. I want you to stop by. The link is in the notes, bravehearted woman.com/bravehearted-transformation. Check it out today. This is Dawn Damon. I'm leaving you, but not forever. Just for now. Just like I always do, find your brave and live your dreams!