3 Traps of People Pleasing & How to Avoid Them

 People pleasing at first glance may seem like a virtue, promoting harmony and goodwill among others. However, beneath the surface lies a dangerous trap that can undermine your joy. Today on the Bravehearted Woman!

 Wonderful to be with all of you again today, bravehearts. All right, we're going to stretch you today because if there's any piece of this people-pleasing behavior going on in you, I want to challenge that. Now I want to let you know that yes, the virtue of kindness, of self-sacrificing, all beautiful things, but when we get caught in a trap, the cycle of suppressing your opinions, thoughts, beliefs, and values to please others, to go along with the crowd, or to even appease an angry spouse, or a friend, or some other toxic relationship, I want to warn you, that can only lead to your pain, agony, even depression. So we're going to talk about it today because at first glance, yeah, it looks like a virtue. It looks like you're promoting harmony and that's all wonderful. We all want to hold onto hands and sing Kumbaya around the fire. By the way, my avatar, you're the bravehearted midlife woman. You know what kumbaya is, don't you?

But in this episode, we are going to explore three dangers of people pleasing and I want to share with you how to break free from this behavior, this habit, or even this mindset or addiction, you might be addicted to people pleasing, but if you break free you will experience more fulfillment in your life, more authentic life, boost your self-confidence and your personal growth, ignite your development, stretch, change, grow.

So let's look at three things. I've already used the word self-sacrificing, but one of the dangers in people pleasing is sacrificing your authentic identity. I know we hear a lot about that today, but this is what I mean. People pleasers often tend to struggle to voice their true opinion or their true feelings because they fear it might upset others or they fear it might lead to rejection. even sometimes retribution or punishment.

First of all, I want to just speak to that. If there's ever a situation where you're afraid to voice your opinion because you're afraid of retribution, you need to really explore that relationship and we'll talk about how maybe you need to set some boundaries. But as a result, if you do that, you become a master really at suppressing your own feelings, beliefs, values, and your authentic self, and you start to morph into this person that is not really who you are. You're changing to please others. You're trying to fit the expectation of other people, and it's constant self-denial. But if you do that for a long time, you do lose touch with your identity, that person that God created you to be, that personhood that is valuable and loved and designed by God. And you start to have this internal conflict between who you know you really are and who you've become or the image that you want to project to others. So, in the long run, this can definitely lead to feelings of emptiness, frustration, resentment, even, and like I said a moment ago, depression. Because you're losing touch with the genuine part of who you are and your aspirations. So, breaking free from people pleasing if this is something that you're struggling with in terms of sacrificing yourself to please others. You're going to need to spend some time in introspection and awareness. Gain some self-awareness. Am I doing this? Am I just saying what people want me to say? Am I just trying to keep the peace at all costs? Am I trying to just have goodwill and harmony? At the cost of my authenticity, and a little bit of that is okay.

I think the Christian life demands that we lay our life down, and we are sacrificing, but it has to be healthy. It has to be by our choosing out of a place of confidence and strength, not out of a place of fear and shame and judgment. So you must regain a sense of identity and embrace who God really created you to be. We call it our authentic self. Empowers you to make decisions that align with your calling and your purpose. Then you really make genuine connections with other people because now you're connecting with who you really are, not who you project to be or pretend to be. That is not sustainable. And I want to say yes. When you do that when you try to break free from sacrificing your true self to show a more authentic version of yourself. Yes, you're going to maybe lose some friends. You're going to disrupt the apple cart. People will say, Wait a minute, what's wrong with you? Who are you? Like, I like that other part of you. I like that docile, and quiet get along with you. You just want to fight. What's wrong with you? You've become so angry. It might be clunky at first when you first start to emerge and find your voice. But just take your time, continue to express your true self and your heart and your opinions, and I want you to know that it's better this way. Because if you stay in a place of people pleasing, you are vulnerable to attracting toxic people, users, takers, manipulators, and people who will exploit your friendship or your relationship and just really want you to be continued to be in that place underneath their thumb.

The second danger of people pleasing is the emotional exhaustion and stress that it will bring to you. People pleasers often find themselves in a place where they say yes to various things out of obligation. They don't really want to do it, but it's what is expected of them and it becomes overwhelming, the fear of disappointing others is just large and you're afraid that you're going to be seen as selfish or uncaring or unhelpful, and that can push you to the brink of emotional exhaustion and stress. Have you done that, braveheart? Yeah, we probably have all done that in our life at one time or another. But if you continually live that way as a way of life, as a habit, you are in danger of the people-pleasing trap because you'll start to compromise on important life decisions that matter to you and are you tolerating unhealthy situations where you should really be drawing boundaries.

Now the cost of people pleasing is often borne by the individual themselves. You're bearing the weight. It's going to crush you eventually if you're people-pleasing to the point of sadness and depression, and it's chronic stress that's coming into your life as a result. You can't keep everyone happy. Can I just give you that newsflash and set you free, my sister? You will not always keep everyone happy. But if you please God first, and you're authentic, you'll find people will follow you, fall in line, and really appreciate you for who you are and they will either, yes, leave your life or it'll force them to reexamine their own self and maybe deal with, hello, their own stuff, but take care of your mental health and don't try to keep everyone happy.

So to overcome this danger of trying to keep everybody happy and finding out that you're under a lot of stress. This is the time to set healthy boundaries. I'll say it again. To bust up this danger of keeping everyone happy and the stress that you begin to feel that's coming down on you, if you want to get set free from that, you're going to have to draw some healthy boundaries. It's crucial. You're going to have to learn to say that anointed word, No. Let's just practice it together. No. You can even do it sing-songy like that. No. I can't please everybody today. And guess what? Today ain't your day. So you got to learn to say no. Then you have to prioritize your self-care. I'm not just saying you get to take a bubble bath and get a massage and have your nails done and do your hair and do that every day. Unless it's your day to do that and take care of yourself, just prioritize. For example, keep your morning routine in check. Make sure you stay reading the word and having your prayer time and eating correctly and healthy and having time for your exercise and the things that juice you, the activities that God's called you to. Because you need to preserve your emotional and mental well-being, and this will reduce your stress load. It is okay to put others' needs before your own, most of the time maybe even, some of the time, but not all of the time.

You have to put yourself first, now and again. I know that whenever I say that, it bristles. It causes some to bristle when I say put yourself first. It's your time now, bravehearted woman. This time is your time. It gets to be about you now. You've taken care of everyone your entire life, and now you need to uncover your purpose for this season of your life. Because you're probably at a crossroads, like all of us. I know that that causes some to bristle. They don't like that. And they just want to keep taking care of everybody else and keep mothering and keep protecting and nurturing and doing for, and I do it too. I have great joy in that. But that's because it's balanced with me pursuing the call of God in my life. It is balanced with me fulfilling exactly what I'm supposed to do so that my tank is full, my self-esteem is there, and my level of productivity, that I feel that I'm a contributing member to the kingdom of God, and I'm moving the needle forward. That is the balance. If all I did was that, Then I would feel that I would be self-centered. But if all I did was this, then I feel that I would be neglecting my self-care. So find that balance. It's okay.

And the third danger, this is just something that I'm so passionate about. I am passionate. about you continuing to grow and when you are a people pleaser you are in danger of stagnation in your personal growth. Because it means that you're constantly seeking external validation. Something's missing on the inside of you that you don't know that you're okay all by your bad self, that you are okay the way God created you. For some reason, you need someone else to validate you, to affirm you, to build you up and the way that you've done that is through people pleasing, but it's going to hinder your development. It's going to hinder you from finding new skills, pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, and having to rediscover what it is that you're good at or what you would love. You'll start avoiding things that you think, Well, people won't like me if I do that.

I had a podcast not too long ago with Jade Simmons, who actually threw her hat in the ring to be the President of the United States. She is an amazing girl. I just love her. But she said when she did that, she lost so many friends. They were like, Who do you think you are? What are you doing? She said, I needed to be brave, Dawn and I needed to use the courage because that's what was inside of me to do. Because she did it, she grew, she was stretched, she developed new skills, and she got a brand new skill set. She mastered and learned how to embrace failure as a friend to grow into a springboard into greatness. She's doing incredible things. She got out of her comfort zone. I'm inviting you to do that. I'm inviting you to forget about the fear of failure. Forget about the fear of rejection. Start reaching your goals. Don't miss out on valuable opportunities because someone's not gonna like that new you or somebody's going to judge you or even mock you, kind of ridicule you so you'll run back to this place of stagnation, nothingness. You have to overcome this.

Now, if you want to break out of this danger of stagnation, then be willing to be honest with those closest to you. Tell them what you want to do. Express your genuine thoughts and feelings. This is what I want to do. This is what I'm feeling. That's essential. Be honest. Not just with others. Be honest with yourself. If there's a place in your life where you are unfulfilled, and you're actually feeling some pain about that, you're feeling just this unhappiness and this gnawing sense that you're missing life. Then I'm asking you to start a small revolution and be honest with yourself and say, I need to change something. I need to do something different. Break free from the shackles of people pleasing and start exploring. Now I'm not asking you to leave a relationship. Heavens no. Unless it's toxic and it's not healthy and God's told you to get out. That's a different episode. Dr. Shantae Haynes and I had an episode on divorce. In my case, being abandoned by a husband. In her case, being abandoned too. We wouldn't have left those relationships, but since that happened, we look back and recognize through the lens of God's grace that, wow, we were being abused in those relationships. So, get some help and talk to somebody about that.

But I'm just talking about being honest about, I'm in a place of, I'm not working, or I'm not challenged in my job, or I'm not growing, or I want to go back to school, or I've always wanted to start this business, but because you don't want to ruffle feathers, you're just not doing anything. So, start embracing a growth mindset, embrace the challenge that's ahead of you, and exercise resilience. You're not a quitter. Keep going. Don't cash in your chips and say, this is all there is for me. No, you got to keep going and recognize that mistakes are part of challenges and getting out of your comfort zone. It's part of the learning curve and the learning process. Science can show you images of your brain, that when you're doing something new, it lights up and it sparks and it's all energized because it's growing at shaping. So you're not only just growing emotionally, you're biologically growing and changing. That's so important. You're keeping your brain young. It's an exercise for the brain.

There are so many important things we could talk about with that, but. Step out of your comfort zone and pursue your goal and embark on this journey of personal growth. By the way, I'm just going to offer you a free strategy call if you find yourself in this place of stagnation. You don't know what to do. You don't know what's next. The truth is, is that you don't know. What your purpose really is for this season of your life, you need to uncover it because it's there. Then I'm inviting you to a free 30-minute strategy call where together, I will ask you some proven questions. They've been proven and researched to unearth the things that are going on inside of us to help draw our attention, our authentic identity, our authentic purpose, and how we're wired. I'd love to have that strategy call with you. You can just click the button below or in the show notes.

But, in conclusion, my dear, bravehearted, wonderful sister, the desire to please others may seem like its good intentions, but at its root. It is the fear of rejection. It is the fear of abandonment. You do not have to fear that for God has not given you a spirit of fear. You are accepted by God. You have been given a family by God. You also have those that love you and cherish you and are covenanted and connected and committed to you. You do not have to fear that whisper of the enemy. Now, yes, like I said, it is true that you might lose a few things. God won't let anything be taken out of your life that's part of your destiny. If people leave you, then it's a big old fat, God bless you because they're not part of your future and in fact may even be holding you back. So don't fear rejection. Truth is, is that when you stand in your confidence, you stand in your anointing, you stand in that spiritual gifting that God has given you, People will be drawn to you like a magnet and want to spend time with you because you will activate them and awaken their faith. You give others permission to be authentic when they see you being authentic.

So, how about it? Are you ready to break free from that pattern of people-pleasing? Be kind, be generous, be loving, but stand firm in the constitution of the individual and the autonomy that God has made you created you, and given you. So break free from the pattern. Identify it, repent of it, reframe it, change your mind, do something different, and prioritize yourself. And set healthy boundaries and I believe and I declare that you will grow and reach and stretch and you'll find yourself living the very best life possible for you. That's what I have for you today!

Don't forget to sign up for that strategy call and I also want to encourage you please review and share this podcast episode. Let people know that you want Christian motivation and you want ministry for women and let them know that Dawn Damon is here to do exactly that. All right, Braveheart gonna leave you like I always do. This is Dawn Damon, your braveheart mentor encouraging you, to find your brave and live your vision!