BRAVE REINVENTION: How Michelle Steffes Rebuilt Her Life and Leadership

Dawn Damon: Well, my guest today is a published thought leader and an influential speaker on cognitive transformation and heart-centered leadership featured in media, publications, and radio, Global networks. She's an executive and performance coach, as well as the author of three impactful books. The developer of multiple training programs and the host of a global podcast called Reframe and Rewire, reaching over 125 countries. Please welcome the author of the Necessary Significance: A Heart Mind Approach to Captivating Leadership, my guest today, Michelle Steffes.

Hey there, Michelle!

Michelle Steffes: Hey, good to see you, Dawn. Thanks so much for having me on again. I appreciate it.

Dawn Damon: Absolutely. It's always good. You make a great guest because you have so much incredible information, especially when we start talking about some of that neuroscience and the way the brain works. I can still see you in a performance that you did a presentation that we had for a women's conference, and you were holding a branch, and you said, this branch is like your brain with the dendrites and how it grows. And it was then that we were learning that, hey, the brain still changes, it still grows. It's neuroplastic. We can make adaptations and changes. We're not in cement, right?

Michelle Steffes: That's the best news ever. God did it perfectly. Isn't that incredible? God knows what he's doing.

Dawn Damon: Yeah. Well, you are the president and CEO/Founder of your own consulting firm. You're experiencing a lot of success in the corporate world. We're gonna talk about that. But you know, it wasn't always like that for you. Was it you at the height of your success? Probably what, 13 years ago, you experienced was a very different set of circumstances. Tell us about it.

Michelle Steffes: Yes, I did. I, you could say, I was really at the very bottom of the valley in a lot of ways. It was a shocker to me. I had spent my entire career really working in leadership, but in an entirely different atmosphere and industry. I poured my heart and soul into it. I mean, that's just how I tend to do even, I'm almost too much to a fault. You know how we can give so much that we give all of ourselves, and then when something happens, it crushes us?

Well, I've kind of gone through that. They made some major changes in, uh, the organization. I was, I prefer not to say which one, just 'cause I don't like to play the Blaine game. But anyway, I was there for seven years. I built several. The entities they asked me to build from inside, even to the outside, building additional entities they didn't ask for. I gave my heart and soul, as I mentioned, and then suddenly they made a change, decided to dissolve it, and I was on my own. Now they backed me with a letter of recommendation and said, you know, we believe you can do this, but that's not always great when you're, you know, just kind of pushed out there, and there you go. And you gotta decide what to do next.

At the time, I had three kids still at home, and I was trying to figure things out, and we had bills to pay. We had, you know, things to take care of. So I just kept praying and I kept asking God, what do I do? And finally took the 30,000-foot view of my life, looking back and on my career, and thought about what I love doing the most, what I felt the most passionate about. And it's really leading, leading teams to win. Leading people to win, helping leaders to lead more effectively.

In fact, a lot of the lessons I learned about leadership came from that former time. There's for seven years, not only mistakes that I'd made, but mistakes that many of the leaders unfortunately made. And from that birthed IPV consulting was born. It was not just a magical transition, though. There was a lot of heartache, a lot of tears. We had to sell some things. I had to take a part-time job. I had to reinvent myself. Dawn and I had to do a ton of studies. I poured myself. In that first year, I read 55 books in a year. I mean, I gave it all. Wow. And through that, God developed, you know what I'm doing currently. So it's hard, but if you're willing to let God lead you, anything's possible.

Dawn Damon: I just love that story because you know, it wasn't some magical wand that was waved over you, but what you did was you combined brave steps, courageous action that you had to take. And how difficult was that when maybe you wanted to curl up in a ball, and I would even dare say, have a moment of not a pity party, but just the rejection, the fear. It's much like when I went through a divorce, and I had to completely reinvent myself, and I had to get rid of things and change my financial situation, and I felt so alone. Did you experience some of those emotions and feelings?

Michelle Steffes: Most definitely. I mean, to say that the feelings weren't there would be an absolute lie. I had to sort through all of that, and there was there that crawled up in a ball that occurred. In fact, I remember it almost like it was yesterday when I really hit the bottom. I had a mentor I spoke to often, and we cried together a lot. But there was one specific night before I had made all the decisions I needed to make. We had a hot tub, so I was out in the hot tub by myself, and I just wanted to go underwater, and ended up. And that sounds really dramatic and awful. I didn't, obviously, right. But that felt like it, it felt that way. I obviously made the important decision not to do that. Yes. And, you know, and decided to go with God wherever he was going to lead me.

But at that moment, it just felt like my whole world was crushed. And it was difficult because I didn't see it coming. I didn't expect it to come the way it did. The person who made the decision, honestly, was a brand new person to the organization that was working from the outside in that really didn't understand the logistics of what was going on.

So that made it hurt even more. And obviously there were a lot of other variables in that, but I wanna be honest with your audience and let them know, you know, you are gonna feel that way sometimes, but you still have to make a decision. And that's what I did.

Dawn Damon: That's really powerful, and I know that there are women who are listening. They're from all over the world who listen to this podcast, much like you are. They have different circumstances in different situations, but the feeling of hopelessness can be international. It is a global emotion that sometimes we feel the futility of life, it lets us know where we don't know what's next. We can't envision a life beyond the pain that we're in, and there are times when you feel like, I just wanna end it all.

But you made that important decision in the right decision because listen, ladies. You will outlive your problems. God has a next in store for you. And there are dark moments and there are stormy moments, but the bravehearted woman has to find that glimmer of hope. And it's the power of God to say, I trust you even through this dark space. And so get up. You did. And make changes. You did. You didn't deny what you were feeling, but you denied its right to have power over you and control you. Yes.

Michelle Steffes: Exactly, I said a big emphatic no. And boy am I glad because God not only had a plan and a next, but he took me far beyond my greatest imaginings. You know, as the scripture goes exceedingly and abundantly above all I could ever ask or think, and I feel like I'm in my calling. I feel like I'm doing now what I was born to do, what I was designed to do. And looking back now, all the lessons I learned throughout life, and even in leadership, and all of my career have put me where I am. It has taught me lessons I couldn't have learned any other way, and now I'm impacting the lives of others because of that. I really think that's how God works a lot of the time.

And I think a lot of the Bible stories about how, you know, many of the saints of old, you know, had to learn some. Things before they like Moses when he got, you know, sent out into the wilderness for a while to kind of cool his jets and figure things out. You know, we all have to have that moment in time where we can emerge as a better person than we were before.

Dawn Damon: It's true. You know, sometimes the past has to die. The thing that God wants to birth something new in us, which means that the old version of ourselves or the old situation of our life, is a necessary ending, and we have to let it go. It's part of the cycle of life that things come to an end. It's not the end of us. There is going to be a new emergence. We're going to reinvent. We're going to rise again. We're gonna rise to our design in ways that we haven't yet done since you started your own business and made that decision. Look how many things have changed in your life.

You're the author of three incredible books. We're gonna talk about one of them today. You're traveling all over the world. You're an international speaker, you're a certified public speaker, and you certified coach for performance and executives. I mean, my goodness, what else? A podcast reaching 125 countries, all because you kept going and refused to quit.

Michelle Steffes: That's right, and that's really what it is. It goes back to that decision. When, when are we gonna make that decision? Wherever any of your listeners are in life right now, you're having to make decisions, and hopefully, you're willing to kind of pull back and take that 30,000-foot view. I. And see what God wants to do in your heart and your mind, look back at what you've accomplished, and what you're able to accomplish. Don't always focus on what's wrong and what just happened and how tragic it was, because it was that decision that pushed me forward into this destiny.

Dawn Damon: Yes, it's good and we can't go forward if we're looking in the rear view mirror at what was and grieving and we can't birth our future because it really gets birthed with our mouth, our thoughts, right? To say I will be an overcomer. God has greatness in store for me, I am the best version of myself that there ever was. The doors of opportunity are opening for me, and we're not trying to convince ourselves, but we're prophesying into the future that says, God's not done with me. There are more things versus look at than what they did to me.

And I used to be this and I used to be that. It's like. No. What about the myth that we might think it's too late for me? It's over for me. You were in your late forties when that happened?

Michelle Steffes: Yeah. Yes, I was, and I had to reframe and rewire as my first book states. I mean, that's kinda where all those studies came from, and you know, learning the neuroplasticity and how I could literally rewire my brain. It gave me so much hope. Knowing, you know, the scripture in Proverbs says, as a man thinks, so is he. So wherever your thoughts are, if your thoughts are on that rear view mirror, like you mentioned, and you're looking at the past only, and, and the tragedy and rehearsing the problem over and over, you're just intensifying the wiring in your brain that is, is dragging you down instead of pushing you forward.

Yes. And so we need to decide. We're gonna wire it in the direction we wanna go to see that vision. Without vision, the people perish, as God's word says, to lock our eyes on that vision, move in that direction, and that's really what it took.

Dawn Damon: Yes. Hear that word today. So let's see where we wanna go. Get a vision, a glorious vision of where God wants to bring you next. And that's truly what I had to do too after my divorce, because my vision at that time was around being a minister and being a wife and a mom, doing the things that God had called me. And when all of that blew up. It was like, what is next? So like you, I had to kind of, or like a little seed that goes deep into the ground and thinks, oh, I'm being buried. It's over. You know? That seed wasn't being buried, it was planted. It was meant to grow brand new. And so I had to go deep and I had to discover, and I had to get that vision. What's next? God, absolutely. I had to see myself being. Successful and happy, and fulfilled so that I, when I saw it in nature, I could recognize it as, Hey, that's my destiny. That's where I'm going. And look at you now, and look at what God does. You know? And so I love that we started at the beginning of our time together, talking about the brain and that it is neuroplastic and that we can make changes. We can, as I say, the old dog can learn new tricks. Yes. And we can move forward.

Michelle Steffes: Never too old. Never stool. You know, Colonel Sanders started at 65.

Dawn Damon: See? So there's hope for us. I don't think I'm ever gonna be making chicken, but I, no, we don't say that. I'll bring home the bacon. I will do that. So let's talk about your new book, because I'm very excited. And you know what I wanna ask you, first of all, this is not some arduous, hefty read. It's 48 pages long. Talk to us about your new book.

Michelle Steffes: Oh, thank you. Yes, I am excited about this book. As you can say, my life's work is crammed into 48 pages. But it really is the heart and soul of leadership. I kept it short for a reason because leaders are incredibly busy people, as you well know, you're a leader yourself, and they don't have a lot of time to delve into a book, a long book.

And I think that's probably, I've had a lot of companies buy cases of these books already, and one of the best feedback pieces I've heard is that this has not only got all the content you need in it. But it's not, you know, thickened with a lot of nonsensical discussions, and analytics, and all this kind of stuff. It gets right to the point. And that was why I did it. I wanted to be able to have it distributed to any type of organization and have the leaders, all that organization or support leaders glean from it what they need to lead better.

Dawn Damon: That's perfect. And I just wanna insert something 'cause I have a lot of authors that listen to the podcast. That is a prime example of knowing your target audience, your target audience, being leaders. You're right, they are gonna skim if it's a long book. They're not. They are looking for the cliff notes, aren't they? And so well done. Knowing your audience and knowing how they wanna read and consume the information, that's a powerful thing. And it is on heart-centered leadership, heart and mind. That's interesting. Where did you come up with that?

Michelle Steffes: Well, I never really like to take full credit for anything because I know God leads my life. But, but you know, I got, you know, really the heart, mind is a lot to do with neuro resonance, which is in the second chapter.

And I always tell people, look, you've gotta get your heart in alignment with your mind. That is cognitive resonance or cognitive consonance, whereas cognitive dissonance, which is the term as the opposite of that, a lot of people have heard of that where there, where I like to say your heart and your mind are not in agreement, and what that does is it creates an uneasiness.

Like, have you ever been around somebody, say you're interviewing them or you're meeting them for the first time, and they just seem kind of awkward, like, something's not right there. You know, because they're wrestling in themselves as to who they really are, even though maybe they have a mental as scent that they're able to do the job and that wrestling is self-sabotage, and that really can come out in a, in a number of different ways and destroy your relationships, your career. Your marriage is a lot of other things. So we've gotta get to the bottom of this.

And heart and mind are not only designed to be self-mastery, but they're also how you lead people. Because if you just lead with your mind only, you're gonna be the authoritarian just dictating tasks and orders. Whereas with you lead with a heart and the mind, you're gonna be methodical and think critically about situations, and obviously create boundaries, but you're also gonna lead with heart, really caring about the people around you, being interested in them as a human being, the human side of leadership.

Dawn Damon: That's really powerful because I'm thinking of the scripture in the Bible that said, you know, Jesus came with grace and truth. Some leaders, you know, in the Old Testament, it was law, but when Jesus came, he brought the balance of grace and law, or grace and truth together.

Michelle Steffes: Yes, I love that. In fact, at the back of my book, it says, excellence versus empathy. You've gotta have them both. You have to have a balance of both. You can't just have one outweigh the other because it never works. And that's even true in parenting. So any of your moms out there that are struggling with maybe your young teens or your teens, you know, balancing that empathy with clear boundaries, clarity, vision, understanding, and obviously carrying out what you say you're gonna do. Staying consistent, being methodical about how you approach them. Active listening, that's all the mind, but you've gotta have the heart involved too. What's really going on? How can I help? How can I support you better?

And interestingly, I have a lot of questions that people can ask throughout the book. It's almost a workbook style built in. With a lot of questions they can ask themselves, but also those around them who are trying to deepen the relationship with.

Dawn Damon: That's really good. That's the subtitle, though, the Heart-Mind Leadership. The title is interesting as well. Necessary Significance, and so I'm curious about that. Why is that the main title?

Michelle Steffes: This has been kind of a phrase I've used for, oh, as long as I can remember, really. I think it was even pre-reinvention of myself. But, you know, significance is something that we all desire, and it never ever goes away. So think about it, and this is in my first chapter, written this way as a baby, you know, you're crying for sustenance, for attention, for love, for affection, right?

Babies are even known to physically die if they don't get that early in life. And then as a toddler, you're looking at me, look at me. And then as a kid, you're like, oh, hang my drawing on the refrigerator, or wear this silly necklace I made, or whatever. And then as a teen, you're trying to, you know, measure up to your peers and you're showing off and you're trying to find your place, right?

And then as an adult, you're looking for significance in. Maybe your job, your house, the woman or man you're gonna marry, or whoever. And then, as even an older life, in the winter of life, you're looking for connection. So, hey, why don't you call me? You know, where are you at? I just wanna spend some time with you. I miss you. That never goes away. That's the significance we yearn for and long for, and it's necessary.

So, back to your question, why did I name it that? Because when leaders latch onto that understanding. That significance is necessary, and they begin to deliver that significance to the team on a consistent basis through a number of different ways, and the team feels significant. Now you've got a powerhouse that is following you, loyal to you. They know you care about them deeply, and they're gonna work hard. We're gonna perform at higher levels, and they're gonna be cohesive and connected. That's really incredible and very thoughtful of you, that insight that you have.

Dawn Damon: So, is that how you develop team loyalty and cohesion? Is that, is there science behind that? Are you giving them a sense of belonging, or how does that work?

Michelle Steffes: I would say all of the above that you listed there, there is definitely a science behind it. You know, it has to do with neurochemistry, you know, and neurobiology, but, and I'll get to that in a second, but really it's about helping people to feel like not only can they trust you because you have shown them that they can trust you through the way you treat them.

I like the old Maya Angelou quote that says, People will not remember what you said or did, but they'll remember how you made them feel. And I think that's so important to realize. It's probably one of my favorite quotes of all time outside of what's in the Word of God. But it's really important to realize that. Your team is feeling something by your leadership every day.

I tell one quick story in the book about my early days of leadership when I was in my twenties, probably even early thirties, I mean, I was really great at the task at hand, right? I knew how to make people move and groove and get the job done. And I was kind, you know, I, I wasn't an unkind leader, but really the only ones that knew me and trusted me were my closest circle. So I did often assessments, and one of my team members, one of the closest leaders, said, Michelle, really? I don't, I know that I could tell you anything better, except why don't you smile more? Why don't you say hi? Why don't you interact with people in the hallways more often, you know, as you're passing them? And I said, gee, you know, you're right. I do need to do more of that. And I changed my whole mindset on being more cognizant and aware of smiling more of saying kind words, of stopping and listening to somebody. And it completely shifted the dynamic. Of the overall culture. So again, they felt significant instead of ignored. It didn't, instead of making me look heartless and cold, it made me look warm and congenial and able to connect with.

So the science behind that, if I could answer that yet, is when we get into the neurochemistry. So when you are offering a piece of your heart in terms of how you are doing, you know, Hey, that was a really great job you did. Would you, you know, at our next staff meeting, about it, I'd love everybody to hear. Those pats on the back, the encouragement, the acknowledgement of their value in any way, shape, or form. It releases serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine. Those three neurochemicals, and I get into those in depth with my reframe and rewire book, but also my kids' book, which is the machine inside me. You can see them behind me on the bookcase.

So, what I'm saying is, it's a physical, tangible resource you can tap into as a leader or as a mom or a dad, and you can create that release of that chemistry consistently. And if you can do that more often than you release cortisol, adrenaline, and norepinephrine, which are the stress chemicals. Then you're creating that balance where a trust can be built, and they're gonna feel more at liberty to share things with you and to know that it's okay to be creative on the job or even in the home, and to share things that maybe they've never shared before, and that creates that cohesiveness and that strong culture build. There's obviously more to that, you know, there's vision and other things, but those are the main pieces that define necessary significance in a culture that holds that near and dear.

Dawn Damon: That does create the culture, so that's beautiful because if people are walking around feeling affirmed and appreciated and understood, and yet also being given vision and guidance and challenge in their workplace, I mean, productive people are happy people, and appreciated, productive people are really happy people. Yeah, so it must be the amazing culture that a leader can build. And so, where can people find this book? I'm sure all the usual suspects, right? Or is there a better place?

Michelle Steffes: I mean, Amazon is really the primary resource I'm using right now. And, incidentally, I do have it on Audible, and you can get the ebook, Kindle, you know, all the possible formats, necessary significance. But I would encourage you to get that book not only for yourself, but for somebody, maybe that's struggling with leadership, or even as a mom.

Dawn Damon: So I, that's great. So I'm hearing this isn't just about leading organizations or leading corporations or even, you know, a storefront shop that you might have, but it's for leading your family. It's for leading your children. So you have principles in there that apply to everyone.

Michelle Steffes: Absolutely. Because we all need that significance. Right. And we all need to build that trust with the people that we love.

Dawn Damon: We do. Final thoughts for us, Michelle?

Michelle Steffes: My final thoughts are, you know, no matter where you are in life, and no matter where you are as a leader, whether it's your community or your organization or whatever it is, be willing to pull back and take a good look at yourself first, because self-leadership is the most important part of leadership. And a lot of times, people skip over that because change is hard. But reall,y examining yourself consistently over time can help you be the best leader that you can be.

Dawn Damon: Wonderful words, and listen, Bravehearts, all of you who are listening, you've been challenged today in many ways. You've been challenged to step up into your leadership. You've been challenged to think about your life and maybe reinvent in some ways that God still has a purpose and a plan for you, that your season of life, until you see God face to face, you still have a purpose.

So we encourage you today, as you're listening to this, get the book. We'll put all of those links in the show notes for you.

Michelle Steffes: And if nothing else, take the challenge that today I'm going to think about what I'm thinking about, and I'm gonna start rewiring my mouth and my thoughts to say my greatest days are yet ahead of me.

Dawn Damon: Absolutely. Michelle, thank you so much for being with us today.

Michelle Steffes: Well, thank you. It's been a joy as always.

Dawn Damon: We appreciate it, and I'm gonna leave you ladies like I always do. This is Dawn Damon, your Braveheart mentor, reminding you, is it your time to find your brave and live your dreams?